Home Base...Bringing it Together Online

I am attempting to link as much of my online content as possible in the general vicinity of one place.  Google seems to have a lock on most of it I am finding!  But I have a couple of blogs, here and on Wordpress.com.  I have recently been focusing most of my blogging energy on the WP site, and had kind of even forgotten about Google and Blogger.  Ah, as life goes on and we grow from things, move ahead, leave stuff behind and change, change, change...the things we forget along the way sometimes bring me sadness, and more often than not bring me very fond and endearing memories.

So I am going to edit the shit out of this blog, remove old and non-pertinent entries, and begin a new study of the journey I have been on, and am speeding forward with at this time.

Nola and I are fully entrenched back here in Maine and never intend to leave here again on any kind of "permanent" basis.  She's a great dog, and loves the snow.  I hate the snow but love Maine, so here we shall stay, continue to build our life and seek our knowledge of the world.  Sure, I am still seeking that stupid meaning for my existence, but I am happy in general, and very much settled down.  My "wandering" phase seems to have passed and I remain in one piece, thankfully.  But I do miss all of the travelling, and I swear if it weren't for this little dog and her need to be in a stable and solid home, I might still be out there moving around...maybe not, but I don't want to know anymore.  I am happy here and have reconnected with my family in the most awesome of ways.  I have found more depth to myself, have grown in comfort with who I am and how I walk this world.  Although I walk it singularly, I am okay with that for the moment.  Time will tell what or who will come into my life to change that for good. I only have to be patient and let the Universe bring whatever is in store, accept it and do my best at being the best me I can be!

July 4th, 2012....Happy Birthday America!!!

My 20 Years of Computers

Social networking. The internet. The web. E-mail. Texting. Instant Message. All things and words that we didn't have much use for in 1994. I caught a news article today, including a video clip, of the Today Show from 1994. Katie Couric was one of the speakers, hosts, whatever you want to call her position at the time. She was perplexed by the @ sign in the CBS e-mail address that was being displayed - probably for the first time, not sure - on the screen for her and viewers to see. It was funny. "What does it mean? About?" The gentleman next to her said "No, it's 'at' I think". No one really seemed to know.

Now the conversation turned to "What is this 'internet' thing?" And you heard an off stage voice, probably a camera man or someone helping produce the show, "it's a big computer that can talk to other computers..." By this time in the video I was laughing and then I got to thinking, yes, back in 1994 I knew VERY little about the internet, the web, or email.

My company had purchased it's first computer - a MacIntosh Apple - in fall of 1993. No one knew how to use it, but I sat down with it one day and figured out that it could be used to type up some great looking business letters, and you didn't have to use correction tape or fluid to fix errors! It let you backspace and erase your mistakes! WOW! Hey, back then that was a great improvement over the old typing equipment and methods. And you should have seen me the day I discovered there were different "fonts"! You could have fueled Apollo space ship on my enthusiasm!

At first I had absolutely no vision of what I would EVER need or use a computer for in my life. What the heck could a little box of plastic do? Other than sit there making lots of clicking and humming noises, I did not see it could do very much. But it sure made a nice damned letter! You couldn' t get that kind of quality letter layout unless you took your stuff to a printer, and even he was using the old "cut and paste" method!

Fast forward, that was 26+ years ago. I now live in a world governed and revolving around my computers and various small electronic devices such as my touch screen cellular phone (another miraculous invention straight out of Startrek!), an Apple iPod - which can probably now do MORE than that very first Apple computer I had so long ago. I laugh when I remember how large and clunky that computer monitor was. And you needed a huge space nearby it for the actual computer unit! OH and the mouse was on a string...a cord to be more precise, and the keyboard was huge, keys pushed pretty hard and made loud clicking noise. The mouse's "tail" (cord) was plugged in to the keyboard, keyboard to the CPU and then there were 18 miles of wires and cords hooking everything together and powering it up. I would not have been surprised if my father had installed a new breaker box specifically for that contraption at the time! Yes, it was a sight to behold, but it was 'high tech' and we were very proud to have it in our office. Who knew what it "could" DO...no one dared to touch it - except to use Word to write the occasional business letter...then we discovered more of the "function" and how Apple had some great ways to make it work to layout newsletters - without cut and paste! - and the world began to unfold before our eyes...today the business (like most of us!) is complete computer dependent and much more efficient!

I sit here in 2011 and recall that old 1993 computer and those times, as my fingers deftly fly across the sleek keyboard of a new laptop recently purchased at Walmart (we didn't have those around back in '94 either!) for a mere fraction of the enormous price paid for that first chunky old MacIntosh. Plus, it may weigh 3 pounds and is an iota of the physical size of 'ole faithful Macky; no cords! Also, no mouse with a worn ball that you would slap around the old "mouse pad" - which was a piece of thin 1/2" thick foam rubber, covered with material that had to be used under the old style mouse, for those younger readers who probably have no inkling what a "mouser pad" is today. It was a necessary accessory back in those olden days because the mouse's ball would not roll well on smooth surfaces, and oft times would wear out and become useless, needing cleaning or replacement on a regular basis. But, ah, the joy of using a mouse with new balls!

See, we never even imagined the monumental changes that were in store for the world as we all sat staring at the Mac in 1993. We never could have forseen that the "computer" would become so vital and integral to daily life for all of us. Nor could we understand that it could become so mobile, first dropping to a suitcase size "portable" to the even smaller briefcase sized "table top" and then slimming down even further to the "laptop" which is now taking off some pounds and evolving to the "netbook" and "tablet" and now the ever so small "handheld" (i.e. iPod, Android, etc.). We never thought that the "Doctor Spock" method of tapping a small circle device pinned to his chest and saying "Beam me up Scotty" was actually a serious vision of what was to come in today's world of "voice command" features and touch screens. And watching James Bond in 1990 using cameras hidden in pens and cuff links, hell that's normal stuff in 2011!

We have come quite a ways in the last 20 years of technology, and it's been one hell of a ride! I've watched the computer shrink in size and grow enormous in changing the way we live today. Just about every household has a computer of some kind, whether it's the mega-small iPod or a set up with it's own server and 42" flatscreen, complete wireless connectivity and Bluetooth capability. And every day there is a new "feature" added somewhere to a new fangled unit that will be available by next Christmas buying season.

We are all dependent in some way on a computer, whether it's for home entertainment, school work, business, social networking, gaming or maybe just for the doctor to keep your records accurately on somewhere in a hospital. We carry around our documents, information and entertainment on little pretty 16 gigabite storage "sticks" hanging on necklaces, key chains, bracelets, or just stuffed in a shirt pocket. We keep the household checkbook and easily do our taxes at home on our own personal computers We listen to digital music because we no longer remember how to turn on the cd player (don't get me going about record albums, 45's, 8 track tapes and cassettes...). We watch movies on everything from a 60" flatscreen to the 3.7" screen of our favorite hand-held devices. Mothers are pulling up recipes for the family dinner on Youtube in kitchens across the country. Teachers are e-mailing parents grades and progress reports and expecting a return of an "electronic signature" once it's received. Contractors are viewing on-the-spot blueprint changes at the click of a button on their telephones. And somewhere some 15 yr old kid is watching porn on Xtube.

Yes, Virginia, computer chips now rule the universe! Tweet that.

Good Things and Good Times Ahead...

Things are turning toward better times for me, I can feel it in all I am doing lately. Having made the conscious discovery that I am holding onto old memories and old hopes and that that kind of holding on is just holding me back from the future and the happiness I deserve and will have. Having these things brought to my attention and beginning to deal with the letting go, I am feeling lighter and more myself again every day. Getting rid of items in my life that are connected with the past; with emotional ties and memories has been very good for me. As I have let each piece go I have felt freer and more hopeful for the future. I wish I had done this months ago. But I guess it's better to be a little late, than to never arrive!

And as I open up, good things are starting to happen. I think this is because I am making the room for these good things, and I have belief that things will change and that I deserve these good happenings. Like yesterday, I took a little box of old coins I had saved over the years and went to the coin guy in town, thinking maybe he'd buy them off me and I'd get a hundred bucks or so. I didn' thave any real need for the coins, or any attachment to them, they were just sitting in a cardboard box in my storage - and previous to that stuffed under the bed! I was thoroughly delighted when he took what he wanted from the box and gave me $502.00 in cash! I was so ready for something good to happen, and I was open to it, but not expecting such a great windfall! The universe is opening up to me once again, and allowing me to be happy. I am so grateful.

Another good thing that happened this week, my friend, Pink, had her cancer surgery and they believe they got all of the tumors (7 of them) blasted to smithereens with the laser. So hopefully she will go through follow up now and be declared cancer free! I was so pleased that the surgery went well and that she was back home that night resting comfortably. She's been such an encouragement and an inspiration to me during my own rough spots. And she has such faith that she can beat this; those positive thoughts are working for her - and me too!

Even my energy and enthusiasm levels have been up this week as a result I believe of making conscious decisions to let go of the shit that bugs me and keeps me from being happy, and embracing more of the stuff that I love to do, and that makes me happy - including the people in my life. I've been interacting more with my friends and family, enjoying their company and having some great conversations. I realized I was spending too much time alone and isolating myself too much, so I changed this and it's been a wonderful change.

I think it's just amazing how the human mind and thought process works. If one focuses on what they do not have in their lives and how unhappy they are without that, then, yes, they are unhappy and feel that loss. But you can make changes, only you can make those changes in yourself, and you can decide to stop focusing on the negative and shift your focus to the positive. It doesn't happen over night, but it can happen as quickly as you allow it to happen. It definitely took me a week of "thinking" about the changes I wanted to make and see in my life, before I started to actively implement my plan and start doing what I needed to do to see those changes start to work.

I know with me personally, I had to move past thinking about my recent ex-girlfriend and how much I was missing her in my life. That was hard, but I am doing it. I am doing it because I finally looked at what I was doing to myself; how I was making my own life harder by holding on to her memories and wishing for something that just could not be any longer. Once I realized what I was doing to myself, it became easy to say to myself, I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't deserve to be made to feel badly, it just didn't work out, and it's not my fault. Yes, once I let it go, I have been so much lighter at heart and so much happier in my soul. It's a good life, yes indeed!

July...

I have come to a point where I am just sick of the games with my ex-girlfriend. I want a lover who I don’t have to raise and teach, one who knows what she wants and desires in the relationship. It’s been so up and down with this chick; she just can’t makeup her mind and stick to a decision. She taunts me and tortures me and I am just fed up. We’ve been split for like 7 months yet she comes back and professes her love for me and wants to try to work it out. I was skeptical and wary. I gave her the benefit of talking with her about it and after a few days she totally disrespects me and pisses me off. I was told by friends how poison she is to me, how she IS pain and she will always be that way. They are so right and I refuse to keep allowing her to bring that pain and agony into my life. She cost me a really good woman a couple of years ago, and I still kick myself for that. I was happy with that other woman, and I love her to death, but I got stupid with this one and fucked the good thing all up.

So I am purging this toxic woman from my life. I’m dumping the pictures, the notes, the cards, and anything I have in my pocession that reminds me of her. I need her completely out of my life once and for all. No more of this clandestine concact or bullshit. I am letting go of any memorabilia I have from her and putting her out of my life and my mind. It’s a refreshing exercise. She’s put me thru holy hell and back. And she cost me very dearly in the love department. I so wish I could turn back time to 2 years ago and correct what I did, I had the woman of my dreams in my arms and I let her go for this stupid bullshit. It’s not right, and maybe never correctable….but I can still wish. What I wouldn’ t give to just hear from Utah and know she’s happy and all right. The fire in my heart for her has never ceased, and perhaps that’s part of why I couldn’t make it with Kori, she just wasn’t what I wanted or needed. I HAD that and I fucked it up. But I can't keep kickin myself, I gotta just move the fuck on.

Look Not (Poem)

Look not in my eyes for fear

They mirror true the sight I see

And there you find your face too clear

And love it

And be lost like me.

One the long nights

Through I must lie

Spent

In star defeated sighs

Why should you as well as I

Perish?

Gaze not in mine eyes.

Anonymous

The Youtube Experience

I was checking out my Youtube channel today (http://youtube.com/mainelybutch) and much to my surprise I found I now have 444 subscribers! I find this so amazing and I am honored that so many are interested in my channel, and in what I might have to say about various subjects.

I've been on the Tubes now since March 8, 2009...almost 16 months now. And I have uploaded over 172 videos....there are currently 172 up, but I have also posted and deleted a bunch over time. I've addressed tons of topics, mostly having to do with being part of the LGBT community, being butch, and of just random topics like 50 Fun Facts or video responses to those who's videos I have been inspired by. I have also instituted the channel ButchFemmeDiscussion on the tubes and while we are on summer hiatus right now, we'll be back in production and open for questions again in September. That channel has been loads of fun and has really given us all pause for thought.

Yes, Youtube has been fun and fascinating place to be on the web. It offers up space for creativity, discussion, friendship and lots more. I have made some awesome friends on there, and have had some great discussions. I believe it offers me a place where I can speak my mind and provide myself as an example - sometimes good and maybe sometimes bad. I try to present myself positively...even in speaking about living with HIV and it's ramifications in life and the dating world. Yes, I definitely thoroughly enjoy perusing the daily posts, watching my favorite vloggers, and throwing in my 2 cents on occasion. It has made me think, made me react and even changed my opinion in some instances. The tubes can be a wealth of knowledge, entertainment and can provide the opportunity to research just about any topic and get personal views, opinions and takes on that topic....where else can you get this kind of interaction? Sure, there are other video blogging channels, but none compare to good ole Youtube!!!

Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder...LOL