Home Base...Bringing it Together Online

I am attempting to link as much of my online content as possible in the general vicinity of one place.  Google seems to have a lock on most of it I am finding!  But I have a couple of blogs, here and on Wordpress.com.  I have recently been focusing most of my blogging energy on the WP site, and had kind of even forgotten about Google and Blogger.  Ah, as life goes on and we grow from things, move ahead, leave stuff behind and change, change, change...the things we forget along the way sometimes bring me sadness, and more often than not bring me very fond and endearing memories.

So I am going to edit the shit out of this blog, remove old and non-pertinent entries, and begin a new study of the journey I have been on, and am speeding forward with at this time.

Nola and I are fully entrenched back here in Maine and never intend to leave here again on any kind of "permanent" basis.  She's a great dog, and loves the snow.  I hate the snow but love Maine, so here we shall stay, continue to build our life and seek our knowledge of the world.  Sure, I am still seeking that stupid meaning for my existence, but I am happy in general, and very much settled down.  My "wandering" phase seems to have passed and I remain in one piece, thankfully.  But I do miss all of the travelling, and I swear if it weren't for this little dog and her need to be in a stable and solid home, I might still be out there moving around...maybe not, but I don't want to know anymore.  I am happy here and have reconnected with my family in the most awesome of ways.  I have found more depth to myself, have grown in comfort with who I am and how I walk this world.  Although I walk it singularly, I am okay with that for the moment.  Time will tell what or who will come into my life to change that for good. I only have to be patient and let the Universe bring whatever is in store, accept it and do my best at being the best me I can be!

July 4th, 2012....Happy Birthday America!!!

Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder...LOL

Emotions, Feelings and Butch Shame: The Interaction

I have been confronted with my seeming inability to show proper emotion and/or talk about my feelings. I did a frustrated Youtube vlog about this on my Youtube channel even. Seems that several women in my life want to bring this to my attention, and I've been called the dreaded "typical butch" even. I don't want to or intend to be "typical" in any way. Yes, I am Butch and perhaps Butches have some common traits, but I do not believe there is a "typical" type of Butch. We are all unique; all individuals. And I intend to be who I am.

Yes, I find it difficult to express emotion; to talk about my feelings. It seems that in my life it's become a sort of defense mechanism. When I do try to talk about my emotional state or my feelings I can never find the correct vocalization, so so it seems. I screw it all up. And that just frustrates the hell out of me and perhaps causes me to withdraw into myself even more.

I can be a bit on the emotionless side, I admit this. And over the last couple of years perhaps this has even become more so for me. My break-through moments of overflowing emotion seem to come to me when I am alone, safe by myself.

As a Butch I have gone through a lifetime of defending myself because of the way I present to the world. The world is not such a nice place for a masculine presenting woman. And because I refuse to hide my female masculinity, some seem to really feel threatened by me. But I mean to threaten no one, I am just trying to live and breathe in this world as the person that I am.

Butch shame. I've heard it called that, and I can seriously relate to that feeling of shame. Shamed by feeling that being Butch is somehow a bad thing. That I should somehow hide that side of myself and pretend. Something I just cannot do, nor would I even want to try. I want to be proud of myself and who I am in this world; walking a fine line between male and female. Falling somewhere on the gender scale that is neither, yet both. I actually like this place, and I enjoy being Butch. It's comfortable and feels normal for me, I would no no other way.

Being stared at, ridiculed and harassed for presenting to the world the way that I do - in a very Butch manner - has made me learn to control my emotions; to hide my feelings. Showing my insecurities to me would only mean opening myself up for more attack. but this really can cripple one at times, such as when I really need to just get stuff out of my head. I'm aware that I can stuff emotions like a pro. It's not something that I always like, but it serves my purpose. I like thinking rationally, not over reacting or just saying what's on my mind - which can cause problems, and require explanations that I may not be capable of producing at the time. Now, I do find it easier for me to write about my feelings or emotions, perhaps it's the processing of writing that makes me a bit more comfortable letting things out in this way. Yes, writing is a good thing; a relaxing and safe venue for expression; is this because it's something I can control more readily and thus feels more safe? Perhaps.