Home Base...Bringing it Together Online

I am attempting to link as much of my online content as possible in the general vicinity of one place.  Google seems to have a lock on most of it I am finding!  But I have a couple of blogs, here and on Wordpress.com.  I have recently been focusing most of my blogging energy on the WP site, and had kind of even forgotten about Google and Blogger.  Ah, as life goes on and we grow from things, move ahead, leave stuff behind and change, change, change...the things we forget along the way sometimes bring me sadness, and more often than not bring me very fond and endearing memories.

So I am going to edit the shit out of this blog, remove old and non-pertinent entries, and begin a new study of the journey I have been on, and am speeding forward with at this time.

Nola and I are fully entrenched back here in Maine and never intend to leave here again on any kind of "permanent" basis.  She's a great dog, and loves the snow.  I hate the snow but love Maine, so here we shall stay, continue to build our life and seek our knowledge of the world.  Sure, I am still seeking that stupid meaning for my existence, but I am happy in general, and very much settled down.  My "wandering" phase seems to have passed and I remain in one piece, thankfully.  But I do miss all of the travelling, and I swear if it weren't for this little dog and her need to be in a stable and solid home, I might still be out there moving around...maybe not, but I don't want to know anymore.  I am happy here and have reconnected with my family in the most awesome of ways.  I have found more depth to myself, have grown in comfort with who I am and how I walk this world.  Although I walk it singularly, I am okay with that for the moment.  Time will tell what or who will come into my life to change that for good. I only have to be patient and let the Universe bring whatever is in store, accept it and do my best at being the best me I can be!

July 4th, 2012....Happy Birthday America!!!

My 20 Years of Computers

Social networking. The internet. The web. E-mail. Texting. Instant Message. All things and words that we didn't have much use for in 1994. I caught a news article today, including a video clip, of the Today Show from 1994. Katie Couric was one of the speakers, hosts, whatever you want to call her position at the time. She was perplexed by the @ sign in the CBS e-mail address that was being displayed - probably for the first time, not sure - on the screen for her and viewers to see. It was funny. "What does it mean? About?" The gentleman next to her said "No, it's 'at' I think". No one really seemed to know.

Now the conversation turned to "What is this 'internet' thing?" And you heard an off stage voice, probably a camera man or someone helping produce the show, "it's a big computer that can talk to other computers..." By this time in the video I was laughing and then I got to thinking, yes, back in 1994 I knew VERY little about the internet, the web, or email.

My company had purchased it's first computer - a MacIntosh Apple - in fall of 1993. No one knew how to use it, but I sat down with it one day and figured out that it could be used to type up some great looking business letters, and you didn't have to use correction tape or fluid to fix errors! It let you backspace and erase your mistakes! WOW! Hey, back then that was a great improvement over the old typing equipment and methods. And you should have seen me the day I discovered there were different "fonts"! You could have fueled Apollo space ship on my enthusiasm!

At first I had absolutely no vision of what I would EVER need or use a computer for in my life. What the heck could a little box of plastic do? Other than sit there making lots of clicking and humming noises, I did not see it could do very much. But it sure made a nice damned letter! You couldn' t get that kind of quality letter layout unless you took your stuff to a printer, and even he was using the old "cut and paste" method!

Fast forward, that was 26+ years ago. I now live in a world governed and revolving around my computers and various small electronic devices such as my touch screen cellular phone (another miraculous invention straight out of Startrek!), an Apple iPod - which can probably now do MORE than that very first Apple computer I had so long ago. I laugh when I remember how large and clunky that computer monitor was. And you needed a huge space nearby it for the actual computer unit! OH and the mouse was on a string...a cord to be more precise, and the keyboard was huge, keys pushed pretty hard and made loud clicking noise. The mouse's "tail" (cord) was plugged in to the keyboard, keyboard to the CPU and then there were 18 miles of wires and cords hooking everything together and powering it up. I would not have been surprised if my father had installed a new breaker box specifically for that contraption at the time! Yes, it was a sight to behold, but it was 'high tech' and we were very proud to have it in our office. Who knew what it "could" DO...no one dared to touch it - except to use Word to write the occasional business letter...then we discovered more of the "function" and how Apple had some great ways to make it work to layout newsletters - without cut and paste! - and the world began to unfold before our eyes...today the business (like most of us!) is complete computer dependent and much more efficient!

I sit here in 2011 and recall that old 1993 computer and those times, as my fingers deftly fly across the sleek keyboard of a new laptop recently purchased at Walmart (we didn't have those around back in '94 either!) for a mere fraction of the enormous price paid for that first chunky old MacIntosh. Plus, it may weigh 3 pounds and is an iota of the physical size of 'ole faithful Macky; no cords! Also, no mouse with a worn ball that you would slap around the old "mouse pad" - which was a piece of thin 1/2" thick foam rubber, covered with material that had to be used under the old style mouse, for those younger readers who probably have no inkling what a "mouser pad" is today. It was a necessary accessory back in those olden days because the mouse's ball would not roll well on smooth surfaces, and oft times would wear out and become useless, needing cleaning or replacement on a regular basis. But, ah, the joy of using a mouse with new balls!

See, we never even imagined the monumental changes that were in store for the world as we all sat staring at the Mac in 1993. We never could have forseen that the "computer" would become so vital and integral to daily life for all of us. Nor could we understand that it could become so mobile, first dropping to a suitcase size "portable" to the even smaller briefcase sized "table top" and then slimming down even further to the "laptop" which is now taking off some pounds and evolving to the "netbook" and "tablet" and now the ever so small "handheld" (i.e. iPod, Android, etc.). We never thought that the "Doctor Spock" method of tapping a small circle device pinned to his chest and saying "Beam me up Scotty" was actually a serious vision of what was to come in today's world of "voice command" features and touch screens. And watching James Bond in 1990 using cameras hidden in pens and cuff links, hell that's normal stuff in 2011!

We have come quite a ways in the last 20 years of technology, and it's been one hell of a ride! I've watched the computer shrink in size and grow enormous in changing the way we live today. Just about every household has a computer of some kind, whether it's the mega-small iPod or a set up with it's own server and 42" flatscreen, complete wireless connectivity and Bluetooth capability. And every day there is a new "feature" added somewhere to a new fangled unit that will be available by next Christmas buying season.

We are all dependent in some way on a computer, whether it's for home entertainment, school work, business, social networking, gaming or maybe just for the doctor to keep your records accurately on somewhere in a hospital. We carry around our documents, information and entertainment on little pretty 16 gigabite storage "sticks" hanging on necklaces, key chains, bracelets, or just stuffed in a shirt pocket. We keep the household checkbook and easily do our taxes at home on our own personal computers We listen to digital music because we no longer remember how to turn on the cd player (don't get me going about record albums, 45's, 8 track tapes and cassettes...). We watch movies on everything from a 60" flatscreen to the 3.7" screen of our favorite hand-held devices. Mothers are pulling up recipes for the family dinner on Youtube in kitchens across the country. Teachers are e-mailing parents grades and progress reports and expecting a return of an "electronic signature" once it's received. Contractors are viewing on-the-spot blueprint changes at the click of a button on their telephones. And somewhere some 15 yr old kid is watching porn on Xtube.

Yes, Virginia, computer chips now rule the universe! Tweet that.

Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder...LOL

Emotions, Feelings and Butch Shame: The Interaction

I have been confronted with my seeming inability to show proper emotion and/or talk about my feelings. I did a frustrated Youtube vlog about this on my Youtube channel even. Seems that several women in my life want to bring this to my attention, and I've been called the dreaded "typical butch" even. I don't want to or intend to be "typical" in any way. Yes, I am Butch and perhaps Butches have some common traits, but I do not believe there is a "typical" type of Butch. We are all unique; all individuals. And I intend to be who I am.

Yes, I find it difficult to express emotion; to talk about my feelings. It seems that in my life it's become a sort of defense mechanism. When I do try to talk about my emotional state or my feelings I can never find the correct vocalization, so so it seems. I screw it all up. And that just frustrates the hell out of me and perhaps causes me to withdraw into myself even more.

I can be a bit on the emotionless side, I admit this. And over the last couple of years perhaps this has even become more so for me. My break-through moments of overflowing emotion seem to come to me when I am alone, safe by myself.

As a Butch I have gone through a lifetime of defending myself because of the way I present to the world. The world is not such a nice place for a masculine presenting woman. And because I refuse to hide my female masculinity, some seem to really feel threatened by me. But I mean to threaten no one, I am just trying to live and breathe in this world as the person that I am.

Butch shame. I've heard it called that, and I can seriously relate to that feeling of shame. Shamed by feeling that being Butch is somehow a bad thing. That I should somehow hide that side of myself and pretend. Something I just cannot do, nor would I even want to try. I want to be proud of myself and who I am in this world; walking a fine line between male and female. Falling somewhere on the gender scale that is neither, yet both. I actually like this place, and I enjoy being Butch. It's comfortable and feels normal for me, I would no no other way.

Being stared at, ridiculed and harassed for presenting to the world the way that I do - in a very Butch manner - has made me learn to control my emotions; to hide my feelings. Showing my insecurities to me would only mean opening myself up for more attack. but this really can cripple one at times, such as when I really need to just get stuff out of my head. I'm aware that I can stuff emotions like a pro. It's not something that I always like, but it serves my purpose. I like thinking rationally, not over reacting or just saying what's on my mind - which can cause problems, and require explanations that I may not be capable of producing at the time. Now, I do find it easier for me to write about my feelings or emotions, perhaps it's the processing of writing that makes me a bit more comfortable letting things out in this way. Yes, writing is a good thing; a relaxing and safe venue for expression; is this because it's something I can control more readily and thus feels more safe? Perhaps.