Good Things and Good Times Ahead...

Things are turning toward better times for me, I can feel it in all I am doing lately. Having made the conscious discovery that I am holding onto old memories and old hopes and that that kind of holding on is just holding me back from the future and the happiness I deserve and will have. Having these things brought to my attention and beginning to deal with the letting go, I am feeling lighter and more myself again every day. Getting rid of items in my life that are connected with the past; with emotional ties and memories has been very good for me. As I have let each piece go I have felt freer and more hopeful for the future. I wish I had done this months ago. But I guess it's better to be a little late, than to never arrive!

And as I open up, good things are starting to happen. I think this is because I am making the room for these good things, and I have belief that things will change and that I deserve these good happenings. Like yesterday, I took a little box of old coins I had saved over the years and went to the coin guy in town, thinking maybe he'd buy them off me and I'd get a hundred bucks or so. I didn' thave any real need for the coins, or any attachment to them, they were just sitting in a cardboard box in my storage - and previous to that stuffed under the bed! I was thoroughly delighted when he took what he wanted from the box and gave me $502.00 in cash! I was so ready for something good to happen, and I was open to it, but not expecting such a great windfall! The universe is opening up to me once again, and allowing me to be happy. I am so grateful.

Another good thing that happened this week, my friend, Pink, had her cancer surgery and they believe they got all of the tumors (7 of them) blasted to smithereens with the laser. So hopefully she will go through follow up now and be declared cancer free! I was so pleased that the surgery went well and that she was back home that night resting comfortably. She's been such an encouragement and an inspiration to me during my own rough spots. And she has such faith that she can beat this; those positive thoughts are working for her - and me too!

Even my energy and enthusiasm levels have been up this week as a result I believe of making conscious decisions to let go of the shit that bugs me and keeps me from being happy, and embracing more of the stuff that I love to do, and that makes me happy - including the people in my life. I've been interacting more with my friends and family, enjoying their company and having some great conversations. I realized I was spending too much time alone and isolating myself too much, so I changed this and it's been a wonderful change.

I think it's just amazing how the human mind and thought process works. If one focuses on what they do not have in their lives and how unhappy they are without that, then, yes, they are unhappy and feel that loss. But you can make changes, only you can make those changes in yourself, and you can decide to stop focusing on the negative and shift your focus to the positive. It doesn't happen over night, but it can happen as quickly as you allow it to happen. It definitely took me a week of "thinking" about the changes I wanted to make and see in my life, before I started to actively implement my plan and start doing what I needed to do to see those changes start to work.

I know with me personally, I had to move past thinking about my recent ex-girlfriend and how much I was missing her in my life. That was hard, but I am doing it. I am doing it because I finally looked at what I was doing to myself; how I was making my own life harder by holding on to her memories and wishing for something that just could not be any longer. Once I realized what I was doing to myself, it became easy to say to myself, I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't deserve to be made to feel badly, it just didn't work out, and it's not my fault. Yes, once I let it go, I have been so much lighter at heart and so much happier in my soul. It's a good life, yes indeed!

July...

I have come to a point where I am just sick of the games with my ex-girlfriend. I want a lover who I don’t have to raise and teach, one who knows what she wants and desires in the relationship. It’s been so up and down with this chick; she just can’t makeup her mind and stick to a decision. She taunts me and tortures me and I am just fed up. We’ve been split for like 7 months yet she comes back and professes her love for me and wants to try to work it out. I was skeptical and wary. I gave her the benefit of talking with her about it and after a few days she totally disrespects me and pisses me off. I was told by friends how poison she is to me, how she IS pain and she will always be that way. They are so right and I refuse to keep allowing her to bring that pain and agony into my life. She cost me a really good woman a couple of years ago, and I still kick myself for that. I was happy with that other woman, and I love her to death, but I got stupid with this one and fucked the good thing all up.

So I am purging this toxic woman from my life. I’m dumping the pictures, the notes, the cards, and anything I have in my pocession that reminds me of her. I need her completely out of my life once and for all. No more of this clandestine concact or bullshit. I am letting go of any memorabilia I have from her and putting her out of my life and my mind. It’s a refreshing exercise. She’s put me thru holy hell and back. And she cost me very dearly in the love department. I so wish I could turn back time to 2 years ago and correct what I did, I had the woman of my dreams in my arms and I let her go for this stupid bullshit. It’s not right, and maybe never correctable….but I can still wish. What I wouldn’ t give to just hear from Utah and know she’s happy and all right. The fire in my heart for her has never ceased, and perhaps that’s part of why I couldn’t make it with Kori, she just wasn’t what I wanted or needed. I HAD that and I fucked it up. But I can't keep kickin myself, I gotta just move the fuck on.

Look Not (Poem)

Look not in my eyes for fear

They mirror true the sight I see

And there you find your face too clear

And love it

And be lost like me.

One the long nights

Through I must lie

Spent

In star defeated sighs

Why should you as well as I

Perish?

Gaze not in mine eyes.

Anonymous

The Youtube Experience

I was checking out my Youtube channel today (http://youtube.com/mainelybutch) and much to my surprise I found I now have 444 subscribers! I find this so amazing and I am honored that so many are interested in my channel, and in what I might have to say about various subjects.

I've been on the Tubes now since March 8, 2009...almost 16 months now. And I have uploaded over 172 videos....there are currently 172 up, but I have also posted and deleted a bunch over time. I've addressed tons of topics, mostly having to do with being part of the LGBT community, being butch, and of just random topics like 50 Fun Facts or video responses to those who's videos I have been inspired by. I have also instituted the channel ButchFemmeDiscussion on the tubes and while we are on summer hiatus right now, we'll be back in production and open for questions again in September. That channel has been loads of fun and has really given us all pause for thought.

Yes, Youtube has been fun and fascinating place to be on the web. It offers up space for creativity, discussion, friendship and lots more. I have made some awesome friends on there, and have had some great discussions. I believe it offers me a place where I can speak my mind and provide myself as an example - sometimes good and maybe sometimes bad. I try to present myself positively...even in speaking about living with HIV and it's ramifications in life and the dating world. Yes, I definitely thoroughly enjoy perusing the daily posts, watching my favorite vloggers, and throwing in my 2 cents on occasion. It has made me think, made me react and even changed my opinion in some instances. The tubes can be a wealth of knowledge, entertainment and can provide the opportunity to research just about any topic and get personal views, opinions and takes on that topic....where else can you get this kind of interaction? Sure, there are other video blogging channels, but none compare to good ole Youtube!!!

Butch Emotional Deficit Disorder...LOL

"Gay in America"...my review

So CNN has taken up this new series project, "Gay in America" where they are supposedly going to do several episodes about, well, being "Gay in America". They started off with what I think was a pretty controversial topic "Gary and Tony Want a Baby" Which was, what I saw as, a very white washed depiction of the "perfect" gay male couple wanting to have a family. Now, perhaps their lives ARE this fucking perfect, but I almost think that CNN went overboard in trying to make them look ultra-good. It appeared they had been together for 20 years and had the perfect relationship....except they both wanted children and as we all know this isn't possible biologically in a same-sex relationship. So one goes to the alternatives, adoption or surrogacy. In this case these two gentlemen chose the latter, and had a baby boy via surrogacy, and then the happily every after ending. Viola'....Bullshit.

Now many people around the interwebz are commenting on videos and reviews about this show in the negative....people from our own LGBT community are dissing this show to death. Hell, this is only the first try at this for CNN - or for any major news network that I know of. I think we need to band together and be proud that CNN has chosen to highlight our community in a series of prime time shows. But no....some are saying they are trying to depict these guys as trying to be "hetero-normative" what ever the hell that is supposed to mean or stand for.

In this world it is up to each individual to find their own paths; to build their own lives and create their own futures. We grow up with basically one version of how things should look; Mom and Dad and 2.5 children, white picket fence and cute little cape house with a dog and 2 cats. And this is supposedly the heterosexual normal for the majority of America. (Yeah, they forget about the projects and the poverty, the suffering and the shame...but that's a whole other blog.)

So, as we each seek out our places in this world, or in this country called America, we are guided only by this one basic version of how things should look. And we are drilled by the religious right about how things should NOT look. I have heard this "trying to be hetero-normative" bullshit line one too many times. Being a Butch lesbian myself, I live my life with a Butch-Femme style. And this also gets the "hetero-normative" slam on most occasions.

I am just trying to live a stable, happy life - like Gary and Tony - except I am not interested so much in the kid factor personally. A fact which could change if my girl decided she just had to have a baby and I didn't want to lose her. This I would have to say would be an area that would have to be open for some serious discussion when that time comes. Hell, I am 48 and not a spring chicken to be chasing after a toddler on a hot summer's day. But back to the point....we all just want to live peacefully in this world and live happily, if possible. Whether that's as a monk in a cave or as a Butch-Femme lesbian couple in the woods of Maine, or any other of the gorgeous states.

Peace, prosperity, happiness and love are all that we are seeking. Sure, we aren't heterosexual...thus we aren't "normal" by the rigid standards of this society to begin with. so how the hell do you get to be labeled "hetero-normative" from that? I am not trying to copy any particular lifestyle. I am living in the way that I feel most comfortable and in a way that I am happiest just being me. I am surviving in a world that hates me for my lifestyle, and I am open, honest and very visible as a Butch in a very hostile world that sees Butches as trying to be "men" --- a view I dispise and disagree with whole heartedly. I am not trying to be, nor do I even WISH to be, a man in any way, shape or form. I am a Butch; a lesbian woman with a more masculine twist to my presentation to the world. Some say I am not enough woman; some say I should be more of a man and those within my own LGBT community shun me for both. I am too "out" for most, "can't you tone it down a bit?" I have heard from the mouths of my lesbian acquaintances. "You should try to be more feminine" I have heard from my family years ago, before they fully understood who I am.

So, Gary and Tony want to have a baby. Big deal. Every human beings gut instinct, as a species, is to procreate -- gay, straight, bisexual or transgender --- most of us have this instinct, it's part of the "human" package we are born into the world carrying. It's part of our DNA, part of our psyche, and part of survival as a species. But for 2 men to want this...that's just appalling to most of society. And why??? Because it must just be impossible for 2 men together to raise a good citizen and turn him loose in this world of bigotry. The child will suffer from ridicule, teasing, torment by his peers and a vast array of other unpleasant things. Like many children from heterosexual relationships....all children must weather some unpleasant things growing up. But I do agree that Gary and Tony's son will probably have to learn to be a strong boy and to take a verbal - and perhaps physical - beating because he has two Dads. Sad, and maybe as he grows up he can educate more people that just having two solid parents is better than having two unstable parents who are constantly on the brink of divorce, alcoholism, drug abuse or physical altercation. There are many children of straight couples in America who suffer far worse than little Bobby will suffer for being the child of a gay couple. I feel for all of them.

So, I think that CNN did a pretty good job...but perhaps they did portray Gary and Tony as the ultimately perfect gay male couple. I think it was well intended. I think they are trying to "be the change" and help people to understand that just because a gay or lesbian couple wants to have children, or has them, that they are trying to be "hetero-normative". They are just trying to be happy, to have a family, to bring more love into the world, and to give life to another human being. Gary and Tony did this thru surrogacy (another controversial blog of the future), but I am a huge fan of adoption. I think that we should open the adoption process to anyone who is stable and who wants to raise a child, regardless of marital status, sexual preference, race, religion or ethnicity. There are so many children waiting for someone to love them, just sitting in orphanages around our own country, and they need us. They need the love of parents who can show them that the world is not such a bad place when you add love and understanding; tolerance and respect. Sure, it's nice to "carry on your bloodline" -- like that's really important in todays' melting pot world --- but it's more important to "carry on the love" and to give homes to these deserving children; to give children to the deserving and desiring parents who want them. Let's start saving some of the souls who are already on the planet. I know that some people will disagree with me on this one, and I don't rightly care. I don't see a need to bring more children into a world the way it is today, when there are children who are already here that need families so very badly.

As for Gary and Tony, congratulations on the healthy baby boy that has now entered your life. Take good care of him, and make him proud and strong. And perhaps you should consider adopting him a baby brother in the future....just my 2 cents!

Emotions, Feelings and Butch Shame: The Interaction

I have been confronted with my seeming inability to show proper emotion and/or talk about my feelings. I did a frustrated Youtube vlog about this on my Youtube channel even. Seems that several women in my life want to bring this to my attention, and I've been called the dreaded "typical butch" even. I don't want to or intend to be "typical" in any way. Yes, I am Butch and perhaps Butches have some common traits, but I do not believe there is a "typical" type of Butch. We are all unique; all individuals. And I intend to be who I am.

Yes, I find it difficult to express emotion; to talk about my feelings. It seems that in my life it's become a sort of defense mechanism. When I do try to talk about my emotional state or my feelings I can never find the correct vocalization, so so it seems. I screw it all up. And that just frustrates the hell out of me and perhaps causes me to withdraw into myself even more.

I can be a bit on the emotionless side, I admit this. And over the last couple of years perhaps this has even become more so for me. My break-through moments of overflowing emotion seem to come to me when I am alone, safe by myself.

As a Butch I have gone through a lifetime of defending myself because of the way I present to the world. The world is not such a nice place for a masculine presenting woman. And because I refuse to hide my female masculinity, some seem to really feel threatened by me. But I mean to threaten no one, I am just trying to live and breathe in this world as the person that I am.

Butch shame. I've heard it called that, and I can seriously relate to that feeling of shame. Shamed by feeling that being Butch is somehow a bad thing. That I should somehow hide that side of myself and pretend. Something I just cannot do, nor would I even want to try. I want to be proud of myself and who I am in this world; walking a fine line between male and female. Falling somewhere on the gender scale that is neither, yet both. I actually like this place, and I enjoy being Butch. It's comfortable and feels normal for me, I would no no other way.

Being stared at, ridiculed and harassed for presenting to the world the way that I do - in a very Butch manner - has made me learn to control my emotions; to hide my feelings. Showing my insecurities to me would only mean opening myself up for more attack. but this really can cripple one at times, such as when I really need to just get stuff out of my head. I'm aware that I can stuff emotions like a pro. It's not something that I always like, but it serves my purpose. I like thinking rationally, not over reacting or just saying what's on my mind - which can cause problems, and require explanations that I may not be capable of producing at the time. Now, I do find it easier for me to write about my feelings or emotions, perhaps it's the processing of writing that makes me a bit more comfortable letting things out in this way. Yes, writing is a good thing; a relaxing and safe venue for expression; is this because it's something I can control more readily and thus feels more safe? Perhaps.